idontevenknowanymore

dont let me say you were the one that got away <3

Number Seventeen_No Way! :0

Today is November 23, 2011 and that means its been a year since I told the guy I like I liked him and he said it back... those were the days <3

Number Sixteen_Homecoming Week

So much has been going on!
This week was Spirit Week at school and its awesome cause that is when we don't have school work or have to wear our school's uniform. Then Friday night was the Homecoming Dance and actually went and kinda horribly danced :) but I had fun! I finally had a date, I have never gone to a dance with someone before and it was so much fun! We had the most perfect entrance that just made my night. My hair was amazing cause I got senior portraits done and so I got my hair done in curls. It was truly magical!! I felt so pretty for once :) Then Saturday to Monday we went on our school's retreat at this Life for Youth Camp. We stayed in a cabin (which I have never done before) and besides the horrible mosquitoes, no sleep, and crappy food the first night it was a lot of fun, and it made me very grateful for my home! Now it is Tuesday, and for whoever went on the retreat were not required to go to school today, I heard it was for the teachers, I don't know if it is true but I am super happy and catching up on homework ;)
Oh and I went on a date to the movies last night adn saw Abduction.. it was so good! I loved it! It was also a good time spent with the person I went with ;)
So much going on, senior year!! whoo!!

~Staying Strong.

Number Fifteen_Reminder To Self

Emma Watson
Modest is Hottest, Ladies. 

"I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder. - Emma Watson

P.S. - I got this from a friend off facebook and loved it!

~Staying Strong. 

Number Fourteen_Life

I feel like so much is going on, with school and applying to college and being prepared to GO! :( I don't feel good about myself... I feel fat and gross and ugh sometimes it sucks being a girl. Senior year and so much is going on, but it has been fun too so im trying to stay positive through it but things are different this year.. lots of change. Right now I am facing struggles with my faith and relationships, but I am happy to see God fixing it all and I just need to remember that he has everything under control. I just need to let go.

This is more of a reminder to myself by the way..

~Staying Strong. 

Number Thirteen_Isn't Thirteen Suppose To Be Bad?

I was asked to homecoming!! It was in such a cute way too! I totally didn't expect it since the guy I like (who asked me) hates dances and was saying how he doesn't want to go! He even said he is paying for me, but I dont know if I will let him ;P I am so happy, this just made my day!! :D
~Staying Strong.

Number Twelve_Sicky

I've been sick for 4 weeks now! ugh it sucks so much! :( feeling so crappy today

Number Eleven_First College Class!

First day of college at BC was awesome, just saying! hopefully the rest of the school year will be just as cool. So far I like it better than my high school..... thought I think I will love yearbook now that I want to get into photography
Seniors 2012!! <3
Applying for jobs nowwwww :)
~Staying Strong.

Number Ten_ Senior Year Begins!!

I just feel like I need to let everything out... So much is going on right now 
:/ 

First thing that's a bog deal to me is my faith. I feel like it's shaken and 
it's not going so well.. I haven't talked to anyone about it yet I feel like I 
have no one who will care right now well maybe my mentor but I haven't called 
her up yet- maybe this week :) anyways iv been really sick which made me slack 
on bible and prayer because I Wouk take medicine and just crash and just feel to 
sick. Then like in church today, I felt so distracted by things, I don't know 
why but it made me cry a little in my seat - it sucked I dorm even know what the 
whole message was on! 

Next thing is school, it's my debit year! Already it's been a week and I'm 
failing history because my teacher made me take a quiz when I missed 2 out of 
the 3 days we had lessons because I was absent from being sick :,( so I 
literally have an F right now (59) and I hope to get things straightened out 
tomorrow :/ ( wish me luck) another thing is my attitude with my teachers - I 
really hope I don't become to prideful and act careless - I wanna act like I did 
last year when I did all my work butbi can see my channel now, I'm trying to 
catch myself and change my act - it's not good and respectful and not honoring 
God. 
Tomorrow is the first day I start. Dual enrollment at BC! I'm so nervous and 
excited at the same time. I think I'm gonna get lost though because my friend 
who says is gonna show me around has 15 mintues to meet up with me and show me 
before we start our next classes :/ so I'm nervous how it will work out. 

So the guy I like started his job which means no time together- I hope thins 
will work out between us with communication so far it's seems pretty hectic and 
I don't know how I'm going to handle it because I'm selfish and I like to talk. 
Also he is goi to be tired and then when he isn't working he has school and 
homework and church things so I'll probably never see him :,( 
My mom wants me to get a job but it's more like she I gonna force me and I'm 
scared. I want something i would like and be good at. I am more motored now that 
my friend has one and will be busy and now that I get out of school early 
because of dual enrollment. My mom also is making me pay for things I want so I 
am motivated because I finally found a new clothes style i want to try out for 
myself that I think will be cute and am also getting really into photography and 
want to save up for a camera. Yes a lot has been happening with me :) 

Oh and today I went out on our new boat for the second time with my mom and her
friend and 2 young kids, it was crazy because her kids were miserable and 
complained about everything but I still was nice and helped out and offered to 
babysit :) also there was crazy big jellyfish- never seen them this big! But I 
got stung six times :,( 

Oh and tonight I almost finished my new project - I'm so evicted about it - I 
can't wait till September for all the birthdays comic up! exactly two more weeks 
:D oh and Tuesday is my 9 months of dating <3  
~Staying Strong. 

Number Nine_Don't Know What To Do Anymore

I don't know how much I should write on here but life has been getting crazy for me. I have been busy and keeping busy with summer reading, friends, events with church communities, etc. I haven't even seen my dad in about a month, I really do miss him, I know I am a horrible daughter.
Things have been pup and down with my friend and I. We have been hanging out at camp and church events but not really communicating. Last night I was about to call quits, but his persistence kept me going I guess, and the fact I don't want it to end. I like him to much. I have been hurt before but it hurts more with the thought of not having in my life, even as just a friend.
We been slacking on praying together, I believed we missed to days this week, which sucks but we were babysitting one night and I got mad at him and then the other I got scared about something, so that was my fault. Also he got a job! Now his schedule will be different and with school coming up we probably wont hang out much but I hope and think it will be a good thing for each other, especially with not being boyfriend and girlfriend it will probably make us step back a little and breathe. I will probably be bored now but school will keep me busy and I'm hoping I'll reconnect with school friends and hang out with them more, I'm a bad friend.
So now I think we had established to take steps back, I am honestly still confused where we stand. I told him lets give it time to think about. I still have hope and I believe so does he. I think he said he was willing to wait and hold on, that made me feel loved. It made me not want to give up too, and honestly I don't I just don't know if I can do the change, if I can handle it. I don't think I'm good enough for him, I'm too much baggage and feel like a little kid in need of a babysitter now.
Now to add more stress I have a book and half to finish and 3 reading assignments to do in less than 2 weeks :o See ya!
~Staying Strong.

Number Eight_Update!

Its been awhile.. I give up on the update thing which is why I think I have been procrastinating - I dont feel like writing what has happened a few weeks ago so lets starts new! :D This week has been crazy! I have been working VBS all week, which is free camp for kids for a week- they get the chance to learn about Jesus. The week before was set up wee which is when we decorated the rooms we were using to the theme which was MARS: Meet A Risen Savior. It was so much fun but VERY tiring and a bit stressful. I feel bad too because I haven't been very nice to my friend. I have been mean and cranky :/ I think we worked things out though and its better now that we both got sleep, I hope....

Today is our 8 MONTHS!!! Its been so long I cant believe it! Through all the stuff we have been through and our friendship in the beginning - it's crazy to think we are still best friends 8 months later :') Not that we did it alone, God and mentors have helped us tremendously!!

I cant believe summer is almost over!! It is so sad to think it is my LAST year of high school! Not only that i found out i have a summer reading list and so now i have to finish it in like 2 weeks! Plus I still have to dual enroll at BC, so I have plenty to do. I have been procrastinating too much :( My mom brought up getting a job again, so today I spent my time searching but didn't really find anything online, I don't know what I would be good at but I'm scared to get a job.
I also have been slacking on my writing, i thought this summer I would really get into it again and I started to until I went away on vacation and then i guess it was just to much of a break for me and now I feel swamped and unmotivated for it. I also need to get started on someone's present but I don't think its gonna work out! I'm to un-creative. (which isn't a word but I don't care!) I feel its too late to start but we shall see! :/ He will probably read this and be sad- so I'm sorry!

Anyways, I found out I am in honors again at school! yay one good thing! - and i fixed the classes I want! now to just get BC classes and summer reading done and I will feel better.

Will try to not give up on this blog,
~Staying Strong.

Number Seven_Confuzzleing

Going crazy in my mind
but happy at the same time
mixed up or what?? :O

been so out of my writing mood and still need to update this- hopefully I will tonight or tomorrow but been doing VBS and been really tired at night now since I have to wake up at 8 am :) - will do my besttt :)

~Staying Strong.

Number Six_Super Long Post!

North Carolina is sooo pretty and fun! I am having a blast here with my family and we have been doing many different things. The view is awesome. I don’t think NC has any flat land, its all a thing of mountains everywhere you look. The first day we went to the downtown center area and the town was so cute and fun. We walked around a little until it started to drizzle. The roads here are very narrow though and many sharp turns since were always riding on a mountains - many slopes too! After we ate we went hiking up Chimney Rock with Lauren who is 4 years old and was dying. We only hikes like half of it and when we finished her little legs were shaking.


On Monday we went to the Cavern which was a cave, there was one bat inside (which means we got lucky because they mostly go in the winter time) - it was nice and cold and it was cool to see the still water inside that was over 300 feet deep. They had a gift shop and Lauren and Sam got Rasta bracelets., we told Lauren that you make a wish and once it breaks it will come true. Well she decided to say her wish out loud. “I wish for Vampire!” which is who she calls the guy I like, she  has a little crush on him and thinks he is a vampire because he has sharp teeth. It was cute because the bracelet slid off because it’s a little big and she was like where is my wish?! Then my aunt tried explaining that is wasn’t a vampire but it didn’t work and then tried figuring out why she liked him so much and kept talking about him. (she does a lot!) She said it was because I like him and because he is a vampire. It was so cute.
Then after we headed over to Linville Falls which was a half mile hike to a waterfall that was very pretty. It is so peaceful here and the air is nice and cooling. I got some good pictures.


Today we went horseback riding, we actually just got back. My horse kept trying to bite me because I wasn’t allowed to let her eat the grass. She got mad at me but it was fun because she wasn’t that slow and it felt cool being on a horse again. We also mined there in a cave and I got some cool shaped rocks (one looks like a heart).


Tomorrow we get to go white water rafting, I’m looking forward to that. It will probably feel good here in the heat. Then I think on Thursday were going to Grandfather Mountain which is like a very popular hike but also has a zoo and amusement park which I find pretty amazing!


The cabin were staying in is so cool, Sam and I have the whole bottom floor to ourselves, we get bad service though because its like a basement kind of and half underground. The place is nice and roomy and were on our own private road onto of a mountain, next to a river!
Sam and I have been having crazy moments at night, we even had a bug incident in our room that made us crack up afterwards. We can get a little crazy but its nothing bad. Last night we were planning on going to bed early though because we had to wake up at  8 a.m., well we ended up going to sleep at 3 a.m. but it was worth it because we had like a 2 hour talk about God and I got to share my testimony with her and tell her about my faith and hear her side of it. I am going to try and bring her to my church some day soon, when we get back. I even prayed with her which was cool because I don’t normally pray with anyone except my one friend.


Speaking of him, we haven’t really talked this trip, which is good I guess but I do miss him and when Sam talks to her BF, it makes me want someone to talk to and I cant. The service problem here helps though because it blocks me from talking to him as much which is keeping the break with us. I just hope he is missing me too, I want to be missed, but I don’t think I’m a person that anyone will miss. Oh well.


Another cool moment I had here was I got to see fireflies for the first time. It was cool but I was scared to catch them when I did I scream and let go! They also have a hot tub and Sam and I went in it yesterday and joked around with pictures. The night before the family was all there and we had a talk about faith and evolution which was interesting for me to be a part of and experience. I have been slacking on my reading here but I try and read a chapter in Matthew every night and pray before bed and in the morning, I just hope I’m being sincere and not trying to get it over with like before.


That’s all for now, probably wont write till im home but maybe when we stay at a hotel Saturday ngiht on our way home, we’ll see… be home Sunday!


~Staying Strong.

Number Five_Vacation

Today is packing day! I'm so excited I will be heading to North Carolina sometime tomorrow morning and won't be back till July 3rd. Its going to be about a 15 hour car ride-- that I'm not looking forward to but we will be stopping at a hotel I believe tomorrow night and will arrive saturday :) I'm also exited to see my cousins again, my little 4 year old cousin Lauren is so freaking cute and is in love with Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus's 'party in the USA' and Big Time Rush- she is a big dancer when it comes to them :) my other cousin is older but younger than me but she is fun to be around- she can bring the crazy fun side out of me sometimes- we defiantly have some awesome memories. Now this one person that left me for camp :( is coming home tomorrow ! I won't see him though until I get back. It's funny because I keep expecting to see him then don't, like at church last night I expected him to walk through the doors for rehearsal but of course he didn't but I was all right it didn't make me sad-  i guess I'm just expecting it and it's not that long apart- I'm not dying without him :)
Well see how 10 more days go ;) 
Now I'm heading to Yogurtland with one of my best friends - best place ever and this break with him is good because I got to hang with her even though I don't think I isolate from my other friends because of him so it's good :) and me and her have been hanging out all day and catching up on stuff - I've missed her :) 
Last night is like a whole other story but I'll make it short... I was very distracted in church, I don't know why and it wasn't like one thing on my mind- it was everything! Very frustrating. I tried not to be emo about it and be depressed but i felt like i was losing my connection with God. But the guy I like called me and prayed with me and for me and then he read the bible with me since I have distracted with that too :/ I know, it's bad. I felt so much better after our (3 hour?) talk and my text with my awesome mentor :) it was a vent/ confession help thing :P  
~Staying Strong.

Number Four_ Just Gonna Try and Keep Busy

So today is the day... He left. He won't be back till Friday - not long right? 
well.. I leave for 10 days the day before he gets back sooooo that means I leave 
right when he gets back so I pretty much miss seeing him and won't for like 2 or 
2 and a half weeks! He gets back the day after I leave. Fail. But it could be a 
good thing, I mean this is how it turned out so it's God's plan...

Anyways today is Fathers day!  Happy fathers day to all the dads out there btw! 
<33 
I celebrated my fathers day with my family yesterday because my brother had to 
work today.. 
Yesterday I had the guy I like come and my best friend come over and we watched 
New Moon and then the guy came with my family and I to dinner at Outback then 
afterwards him and my mom and I went to see the movie Mr. Popper's Penguins- 
sooo funny and it's cute! I loved it and so did he! 

Today on fathers day I went to church where a really good message took place <3 
and even enjoyed small groups afterwards a lot :) 
Then after I was talking with friends about to say bye to my friend who left today for camp but then he asked me to watch his stuff- I said how long because I was hungry and 
didn't want to wait around all day doing nothing he said like 30 minutes so I 
said no and helped him put it in his car :) wellllll he ended up locking his 
keys inside the trunk so I drove to the house where he was picking up a suitcase 
for camp - the husband and wife (both of our mentors) were about to go to 
lunch for fathers day so we had a quick talk and then I went back to the church- 
not far away - were we got a spare key and got the car opened - meanwhile I got 
a call from our mentors, inviting me and him to join them in lunch- we accepted 
and had a fun time with them and I was happy to be able to spend his last day 
here with him..
After lunch we went to his place (his stepdad was there) where i helped him pack 
and his stepdad loved the card he gave him- he got a tear in his eye and 
everything and it was amazing to see how happy he was- I was proud he did 
that <3 

Now I won't see him till july 3rd or 4th-I get back the 3rd and that means we 
won't be together on our 7 months of dating :) woot it's been so long! Haha we 
will have to have a special day together wen we are both back in town <3 

~Staying Strong. 

Number Three_ It's Craziness

I'm scared I might have an eating disorder... Not that I want to intentionally but well here is what happened...
The other day (3 days ago?) I woke up and had a cupcake for breakfast and felt sick and didn't finish it then I had a yogurt and felt like I was going to puke. So I just went and laid down and then I was just feeling like crap and couldn't eat for the rest of the day... Then the next day my stomach still bothered me and I had a headache I went to a friends house and the only thing I had was chips that whole day- then that night they had this dinner event at my church so I volunteered to help watch some kids in the nursery. I had a headache and felt weak and so was in a bad mood when my friend started annoying me with the kid I was watching and the one he was holding... 
Then that night I almost couldn't drive home but I managed to make it to my driveway ( thank god I live a few blocks away) and I couldn't walk to my front door. I called my mom and she came home and helped me... The next day I started feeling better but I didn't eat in the morning since I had church and I never do till after but during small groups I had a little bit of ice cream and when a group of friends went to pollo tropical for lunch to celebrate a friends birthday I didn't eat - I wasn't starving or anything I was alright. 
After lunch my friend called me out on my attitude and I knew I was acting differently and I think it was because of not eating but he started acting different too- I think it was a reaction to me though. We had plans to go to our friends house and watch a movie but we talked for awhile about things happening and made sure I ate something first and we prayed which helped me feel a lot better. God is our strength and hope. 
So things have been getting a lot better besides my mess up at our friends house- I kind of said something out loud that was secret- luckily I don't think the rest heard but the one it was about did and we had to talk about it afterwards.. But he forgave me and so I hope it is all okay now... 
So the theory my friend and I have for the not eating is because the day before the stomachache I was at this friends house and we talked about weight.. Not that I think I'm extremely fat or anything I know I'm not I would just feel better if I lost 2 or 3 pounds on my stomach and I know "who am I trying to impress?" but I just want to feel happy in my own skin for me and I do get into the worldly view on looks sometimes and it's something I'm trying to not let effect me but anyways with this in my head I think it mentally made me sick to think of food. I don't know. But I would never starve myself on purpose I don't think. Well today I ate 2 slices if pizza and feeling good so hopefully I can continue to eat and then start working out in a healthy way :) 
~Staying Strong. 

Number Two _ Already...

Alright so I told him I wasn't mad and I'm trying my best to not be and I think I even changed my voice to make him believe that I wasn't - Not like he bought it but I think he just accepted it.. 
Okay so I'm a little bit annoyed.. It's just I hate waiting around and doing nothing when I made plans to do something it makes things more boring and it feels like i could have done something better and I just don't like the fact that I texted him and everything that I was ready and after 20 minutes I decided to call him before it would get to late and he was on the computer for 20 minutes. I hate that - if he didn't want to do something he shouldn't have suggested anything or should have told me he changed my mind and honestly I would be okay with that - we don't have to hang out and I wasn't planning on it anyways today but we were both bored and I had some time to kill before my dads and one episode of heroes left in season one so I figured why not? So I got ready and he said he was and then waited.. I went in the computer and tried figuring stuff out with my email but my internet is being stupid and more frustrating so now I'm bored and my dad said he is going to target with my brother so he will tell me when he gets home - so it will be later than 6.. More boredom and more time we could have had to watch heroes.. Whatever not like I care anyways :/
~Staying Strong. 

Number One _ The Beginning

Alright so I decided I'm going to try this blog thing out. I think it will help me write more again and I'm hoping it might help someone going through the same thing. 


This is going to be about love or staying positive through hard times or maybe just about me and what I'm going through, maybe it will help you but I know it will help me vent more. 


Since my life sometimes seem so dramatic sometimes I figured it was time I write it down and give myself advice for the next time. My goal is to write at least once a week on the day of or after something happens. It could be a thought or something hard I'm going through like praying or dealing with stuff with friends and relationships. Maybe even family issues- i haven't figured out how much I want to put on here but I think it will help me and others - I can only hope. I want to try and not write anything short as the weeks go on because that is kind of like cheating :P So i am going to do my best and hopefully not give up :) 
~Staying Strong.